A Conversation With Drake, Who May Or May Not Have Been Present

Me: Hello and welcome.

Drake: (leaning back in a chair with a sizeable bagel) A’Young Money!

Me: …uh, indeed. Well, Drake, things are certainly looking good for you. ‘Leader of the new school’, —you’re not as ugly as Jay-Z, nor do you look like a tattooed, cough-syrup swigging rasta hobo. If anyone has potential to ‘change the game,’ as they say you will, I’d agree you’ve got a sporting chance. Your debut album Thank Me Later is about to drop – so what’s the plan?

Drake: Well, I figured I’d rap about how I’m about my paper.

Me: …

Drake: (smiling self-assuredly)

Me: I’m sorry, you’re g-

Drake: And about all the bitches I get! I’m tellin ya, lots of bitches.

Me: Well, ok, sure but-

Drake: And I sung the choruses in Autotune.

Me: Isn’t t-

Drake: You know, it’s all like ‘wheeuruuuaaaooohhheuu!’

Me: Ok, ok, I can see how riches, women and autotune could make for an alright song. You’ve probably got lots of cool and clever rhymes to describe-

Drake: Ten.

Me: I’m sorry?

Drake: Ten songs. I wrote ten about the paper. You know. How I’m about it. And the bitches.

Me: Thank Me Later has ten songs about women and money?

Drake: With Autotune! You can thank me now.

Me: But there are only 14 tracks in total!

Drake: Yeah, I know what you’re saying. I wish they all could have been about bitches who love paper-chasin’ too. But I had to save two.

Me: No, I….you… Ok. You wrote two songs that aren’t about money or bitches. Sounds promising—what was it, something personal? Maybe a relationship story? Or some social commentary?

Drake: They’re about how I’m on my grind.

Me:…

Drake: You know, grindin’ for the pape-

Me: I got it.

Me: But that still leaves two tracks. What’s going on there?

Drake: I switched things up a bit there. Can’t have a whole album about chasin’ paper, bitches and grindin’ can I? That’d be crazy.

Me: Right, right, I agree. So, what about the last two?

Drake: They’re about how many millions I have. Young money!

Me: Millions? Isn’t this your first album?

Drake: Yeah, can you believe it—it’s tight huh? Well, I also had a mixtape.

Me: Wasn’t that free?

Drake: Yeah. I mean, don’t get me wrong: I’m about my paper, but sometimes you gotta do it for the fans.

Me: So to sum up, you took your poised position, with all the hype and momentum, and dropped 14 tracks about being interested in money, women, working for money, and inexplicably already having ludicrous amounts of money?

Drake: Word. We poppin’ bottles tonight, cuz!

Me: …

(Drake takes a bite of his bagel)

Me…

Drake: I was on DeGrassi.

Me: Shut up.